I aim to live
by Aya-DeWinter
Summary: This is one man's fight to live through the horrors. *Written for the FF Quidditch Comp*


Dear Crabbe

We were never on first name terms, were we? That's probably because I never considered you my friend. You and Goyle were though. I may have belittled you but looking back you were.

I'm 23 now. This is my 7th letter to you since your death. I don't know why I write these every year. I never take them to your grave site. All of them are buried. One in your empty casket, the rest in a box in the furthest corner of the Manor. Also its not like you will ever reply to me in this life.

Obviously since I am writing what I said I'd do in my last letter didn't happen. I didn't join you. I'm sorry if you wanted the company. I found a reason to live. I don't think she realises she is. I'm not going to tell her until she stops being my reason. I'll tell her when I feel better and I live for myself again. Its because of her I am seeing a wizard counsellor. I met her the day I was going to end it all. Jessica had just moved in across from my flat. She instantly made me smile. No one had done that for years and it made me leave it until the next day. Every time I planned to do it. She made me smile, laugh even, and I didn't.

I started getting help when she asked me out for a date. I wanted to live for this fantastic girl. My counsellor and I talking about how I felt like I didn't deserve kindness, or Jessica. I spoke about how people would stare and whisper. The counsellor, he told me to move out the wizarding world for a while. Take a break from it and interact with those who don't know my history. Don't know which side I fought on. Find people that will help me restore my self worth. So I quit the job my father had secured for me in the ministry and found a job in a muggle shop selling men's clothes.

Like I have mentioned in every letter that those years replay themselves in my head every night. That hasn't changed, I doubt it will. The horrors that I committed for Lord Voldemort, the horrors I saw. They scare me of a night. I never let Jessica stay over because I am scared I will hurt her in my terror. I have set the bed on fire once. My magic and terror combine and explode. Jessica has never seen my bedroom because of the scorch marks, the scratches and the damage to everything in the room. It hasn't eased since I started seeing the counsellor but I'm hopeful it will. See Crabbe how she has changed me? I am hopeful. I think I was 15 the last time I was hopeful.

Things are better for me but its slow going. My counsellor keeps having to remind me that I will have my good days and my bad. I can tell you know that today is a good day, but I know tomorrow, the anniversary of the battle of Hogwarts. It will be a bad day. I don't think I will ever have a good day on the anniversary. I have plans to see Jessica and hang out with her and that will make the day better for me, but only slightly. Like I said she makes me smile and if I consider hurting myself or leaving her. I see her and she unknowingly puts a band aid on my mental scars and makes me think tomorrow might be better.

Jessica and her friends think I grew up in a cult since I don't understand the muggle world. Luckily for me Jessica thinks it cute when they mention something and I don't understand. Sorry that the Spice Girls and iPhones haven't impacted the wizarding world. I wish I had taken muggle studies at Hogwarts. I wouldn't feel so out of my depth in the muggle realm. Jessica has been a life saver since she helped me with tax, getting an iPhone and other normal muggle things that I didn't have a clue about.

I know what you are thinking. Have I told Jessica that I am a wizard? No. I haven't. Have I told her about the battle of Hogwarts? Partly. I told her I was in a notorious gang, that when I was forced to join when I was 16 and I did so happily. That once I was in the gang, I was ordered to kill someone and I struggled to. That I only got out when the leader was destroyed. I'm leaving it up to her imagination to fill in the blanks. I hope to tell her one day the truth about who I am. I will modify her memories and make her forget me if its too painful or hard to cope with the knowledge of who I really am. Sometimes I wish I had gotten someone to do that to me, but I know I deserve to remember. Jessica doesn't. Yeah I guess you can say that a Malfoy is in love with a muggle.

I'll definitely tell her before I write to you again. I promise that. I aim to write to you next year and not tell you what happened in person. I want to write more letters, I want to live.

Draco Malfoy

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A/N

Written for the Quidditch Comp. This is the story for the Keeper's position.

Please review. I love it when people review.


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